Blah Jaws... headache...

Update- Complete off topic.

So last week I managed to pop out one of my back wires again, AGAIN !! They asked me what I was eating .... I declined to say... but lets say Moosemunch aka caramel popcorn, nuts, hard chocolate... everything IM NOT supposed to eat... Im sorry.lol.

I've been going through a huge huge Peppermint kick, Peppermint bark, mint tea, mint with everything, Im guessing its seasonal but yeah...

I've noticed with the biteblocks in my mouth, #1- my teeth clench ALL the time and its painful, #2- eating on my right side is somewhat difficult, #3- the increased frequency and PAIN with my headaches, Im hoping its due to dehydration, neck or emotional drama and not my jaw... speaking of which I need to get back to physical therapy, my neck and back are regressing... sigh.

I must add right now Im trying to find an insurance carrier that will cover most of this procedure, either surgeon I've met with this far is out of network for me, and one is price point wise SO far off the radar Im scared and worried about how Im going to pay for this- right kidney maybe? F----- , and even if I AM to get it approved my insurance will only cover $2500, which is a joke, some of the other carriers will cover but not if its a pre-existing condition and if it is, then they'll dig my medical history and underwrite me so I WONT get covered, I get denied, and its nasty nasty nasty shit. Please if anyone has gone through this crap please help me, Im so frustrated.


I've had a tough few emotional days, dealing with stuff from my past...Mostly Him...I miss him terribly, and while I dont see him, or say anything to anyone but myself, I have him in my dreams... Almost every single night, and as my soul drifts to different places and times, I feel his warmth, the smell of his hair, his fingers around my arm, we are together, again. We do all the things we used to do, and laugh at the jokes we would share, and it feels so real that when the morning comes I am often in tears...Disappointed, cold, alone. I cant say I've ever felt for anyone ever, the way I feel for him- a love that is somewhat unconditional, like a mother taking a child in after everything that has gone down. The betrayal, abandonment and all the other puzzle pieces that wont fit, and with complete open arms, she accepts and loves. I know with a certainty, I could never love anyone with this depth again.

The Christmas card and gift I mailed out to him and his mom in France, did not make it for Christmas so it is upsetting, I didnt hear from him, and I didnt reach out either...but it is what it is.

Pablo Neruda, says it best

"I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.”

“so I wait for you like a lonely house
till you will see me again and live in me.
... Till then my windows ache.”

i miss you, good night.

Merry Christmas !