Today I feel ugly.

I'm having an off day, well its been a few days. I'm frustrated with my face. 

Thus far I've not allowed myself to really judge or give my face emotional weight- BUT I'm getting ready to head into month 4 and something appears OFF, and I've been trying to put my finger on it to no avail. I emailed both my surgeon's office and my orthodontist last night, letting them know what I'm seeing. 
First when it comes to my bite it looks like with my lower jaw one side of the teeth is raised and the other is a little lower- what is causing this? Secondly with the upper jaw and teeth, they're trying to close gaps made pre-op, and the top 4-6 teeth are slanting to the right and downward, is this normal? Where will they settle? I feel like my smile is unnatural. I see a salamander in the mirror. I've tried reading as a distraction with no avail, and tried putting on some makeup to make me feel better. No amount of mascara or concealer will fix the uneven uncertainty ringing in my head. One hour Im settled in peacefully in my skin, the next I take to the mirror to pick flaws and be cruel to myself. My skin is a mess. Im broken out, my face looks like its been dunked into a vat of oil at a dingy fast food chain. My skin, something I was proud of  before is now spotted, uneven and unwilling to be nice. My face shape is hard to accept, one side is a square the other is some jagged puff thing. What will it settle to and will it look terrible? My nose doesn't seem to fit my face, but nothing does. Several times a night I find myself awake, frustrated with sleeping upright. Nightmares loom about my jaw falling off or further derangement setting in.
The worst part is feeling that Im regressing...

Its easy when you sign up for this process to be blissfully enamored by the possibility of perfection. But what is perfect? Will it ever stop? There is no such thing as perfect. I repeat there is no such thing as perfect. One voice ringing in my head is "Be grateful for what you have- many have it far far worse!"... There is no denying that, but its really dawning on me how much weight our appearances have.. and how discriminated we get for looking a certain way. Its not fair, why cant I look better? Luck of the draw eh? I took this risk with that in mind. Last night I started digging up the few old pictures of to compare, jab, and punish myself further. I dont know why I did that, but I did. Will it change anything? Will it make me feel better? Probably not. I hate mirrors and I hate being on the wrong
end of a camera, neither are nice to me.
Im exhausted. 


  1. Don't lose heart!!! I know how you feel. This is something that is not really discussed on these blogs, because I think we are all too discouraged at the time to write about it. You go through all the time of pre-surgery braces and go through with a painful, pain in the ass and expensive surgery. You expect that everything is going to be close to perfect after swelling goes down. But it's as if your surgery wasn't enough, alignment isn't right, bite isn't as closed as it should be and you wonder why wasn't this done better?! Then you don't want to show pictures of your bite on your blog or even talk about it bc hey, everyone else seemed to have great results after, why didn't you?! (especially when you travel to see someone bc they are the best!)

    I can tell you that I went through ALL of this. It wasn't until about a week before my braces were taken off that I really felt like my bite was close to where I wanted it. I never showed close up pictures of my bite up until that point bc I was not happy with it.

    It's good to talk to your orthodontist and hopefully he can tell you exactly what he plans to do to make your bite better. For me, I never really believed that anything would change dramatically, but it did!

    Good luck!

    1. Thanks for being such a doll Amanda! You are completely right the 'darker side' of jaw surgery is kind of well ignored or we try to not talk about it- but it happens. Its just heartbreaking you go through all this HELL in hopes to just be 'normal' and its not enough, something always seems to go wrong. I dont know who's at fault, my surgeon, my ortho, or me- its just another chapter in the jaw surgery saga... Sigh. I am not proud to share pictures of my bite or face because I am all over the place but I am contacting them with all my concerns to make sure they are being informed of whats going on and see if this is something that can be fixed. It is reassuring that in the end of it all, it somehow manages to come together! .

      Did you ever come to deep chapters of hopelessness, and frustration in your journey- how did you manage to cope and not let it consume/destroy you? Did you ever communicate to your ortho what you were looking for in your bite, or did you just allow them to do their thing?

      Btw congrats again on getting married, you are a beacon of hope that one can have a beautiful smile and be happy at the end of this all :)

  2. Hang in there to ortho and surgeon.... I think what your feeling is normal as I've read so many times on others blogs. Exercise if you can to help clear your head.

    1. Nicole, thanks for the advice... Yeah apparently this 'confusion' and 'overananalysis' stage is normal, its just very frustrating and disheartening. Did you ever go through such a phase yourself?

  3. Replies
    1. ah my bad, mixed you with Nichole down below ! When is your surgery, and will you be blogging at all? :)

  4. Please try not to stress. I went through everything you are feeling, and it is so taxing. My 4 month pictures vs my 15 month pictures are night and day. I wish I had more patience back then, because I was POSITIVE I would look like Dr. Seusse for-evah. But today, I can look in the mirror and feel confident that I look more "normal" than before my surgery and I feel so much better. I didn't really start to feel good with pain and numbness, or look like I do today until about the 1 year mark. I know that sounds daunting, but you will get there also.

    1. Nichole, thank you so so much!!! It is such a RELIEF to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel especially when you are in the gutter and think- this is it I butchered my face! I never saw Dr.Seuss in your pics lol- you are hard on yourself, but it seems we all are, because we can. I'm so happy to hear that you feel more at home and at peace with your new appearance, I'll hop over to your blog, thank you xo




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