Im going through a very very tough time right now.
This is not really teeth/jaw related, so if you dont want to read about my life, please tune out.
Right now, Im unemployed, I have been for about 2 months, looking for work, but not too seriously, not sure what I really want to do with my life- but sick of being broke and financially strapped so Im going to look seriously and take anything. I left my last job because of the stress and mild depression sinking in.
Im dying- from heartache and heartbreak. I found out Tavit, no longer has the same feelings for me, love for me, that in many ways I am just the past to him- and no potential future. I found out yesterday, verbal confirmation of the ugly truth, and I couldnt swallow it, in many ways I wish I could sleep and never wake up. I've tried meeting other boys, to forget, to get distracted in sways of clothes, shopping and pretty things- but I dont want any of it, I want him. THE HARDEST PART FOR ME, is that he gave me the happiest days of my life, he was my soul mate, he completed my every sentence, line, understood all my emotions, he was my prince and now IM NOT GOOD ENOUGH... I cant love anymore, my heart feels like stone, the only emotion I feel is pain. He held me last night and I was bawling so bad, I soaked his shirt in tears, its like the one thing that causes you pain is the one thing you want to run to.
This morning, I decided I need to get therapy, or I will hurt myself or do something painful. I've been dragging my feet since 2009, saying Im too strong for this, I will manage, good things come up- but when it all crashes hard I know Im not on a playing ground I can control.
Im not sure if I want braces anymore, jaw surgery anymore, part of why I wanted this done was to be healthier, happier, more beautiful and live a rich life with him, but now that he's out of the picture I could care less about myself. All I want to do is sleep, feel nothing and never wake up, again.
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Long Overdue Update
3 years ago
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I wish I could give you a big hug.
ReplyDeleteI felt exactly what you are feeling right now, but it was half a year ago.
Its the worst feeling in the world. I felt like I was in a panic, I couldn't sleep, eat, function.
I also got to a point where I just blamed it all on myself and hated myself, I despised this whole jaw surgery process and I felt ugly and unwanted.
I wish I could describe how much that feeling changes if you let it.
I can't even explain the horrible person my boyfriend turned into last summer, but it wasn't until I let go and regained myself that he realized what a fool he was and saw me for everything I am worth.
Please know that it gets better, that these days are the worst, but better days do come. You don't deserve to feel like this. If you need someone to talk to you can always send me a message.
Blasted blogger just deleted my comment!
ReplyDeleteTerra, thank you for your sweet thoughtful words. You had me in tears. Its funny how someone you've never met understands exactly what your going through and knows exactly what to say. This is THE worst feeling in the world, helplessness, lack of control and everything on a roller coaster with no end in sight, only distractions.
Im sorry you felt the way you did, and I know how much pain you went through. Are you still with that boyfriend or are you with someone else. Do you think your jaw caused you to hate yourself, or was it internal and used your jaw as something to prod at? How did you let go and what did you do to get better ( I need all the help and advice I can get ) ...
I was with him, for 6 years, and I held on, clinging for 3 more... I moved for him, there was nothing I didnt do for him, I was sincere, honest, loyal beyond all reason, and that was only the tip of the iceberg, my love was so far deeper. I dont know how it was possible to love someone this much- it is almost unconditional, and every waking minute without him is pain and suffering, I cant stop crying. The hardest part for me, is knowing this failed, when he told me last night you were the best person I've ever known, it means nothing when your curled up alone in your room, in tears.
I know you have your life and your problems, but I'd be grateful if you would help.
I felt just like you, like I was completely alone in the universe. I remember for months I would go to bed and just pray that I would fall asleep, and if I did sleep I'd wake up wishing the morning never came because it just reaffirmed everything that happened and how alone I actually was.
DeleteI don't know what causes people to change their feelings and I really don't know if its just about being with the wrong person, because love shouldn't be like that.
This past summer was like a hell I couldn't imagine.
Everything was going wrong, and my boyfriend turned into this monster. He got mad at me so easily and if he saw me crying he would either get up and leave or tell me he hates me. I still don't know why, I never did anything wrong.
Somehow, I'm back with the same person, and the weird thin is its really just like everyone was telling me. If you let him go and find yourself, he's going to see you in a different light and regret it. The other thing I didn't want to believe but it was true too, is that when you do this, and you let go and move on, when they do some back, you don't feel the same.
When I finally let him win, he called me one day after having a huge fight with me on the weekend, he wouldn't come to a wedding with me that was very important to me, I've been so close to the family all my life and the grooms father was dying of cancer. He wouldn't come with me, he actually told me to fuck off, and this was also a day when I was suffering from the worst migraine of my life. I was trying to hard to just be perfect so he wouldnt get mad.
Anyway It wasnt easy and i ended up spending about 2 weeks initially just staying as far away from my house as I could. There were too many reminders. So I kept myself occupied every moment, because I knew it was harder for me to cry if I was around other people, I just became so good at hiding the pain. And over time the pain just went away, and I saw it from a different standpoint, what everyone else saw it as made sense to me.
He did come crying to me down the road, literally crying for me to come back, and I don't know if it was habit, but I let him back in. It was up and down and it still is. Last night he freaked out on me because my friend message me saying he misses me, it was an old friend I've known since high school. Well anywayI started crying because I felt helpless, I knew I'd have to deal with him being an ass over that, and he just doesnt feel bad when I cry.
At moments like that I wish I was back at the turning point, because there is so much out there in the world, and I got to meet so many people who were so different than him. Stupidly I love him, and a part of me knows its wrong. He drove me into depression. I look back and don't know where the person I was went.
I honestly know just how much you need a friend right now, and I wished when I was at that point that I had someone who understood.
Please don't hesitate to email me. I check my email all the time. terraiarossi@gmail.com
I'll tell you a story later that helped me so much.
Terra, thank you again for all of your words of support and advice. I know exactly what you were going through, wanting to remain forever asleep till either the problem is resolved or gone... There are many mornings, without him, where I wake up and Im like why am I awake, why am I this miserable, what have I DONE, to DESERVE THIS...
DeleteI agree with you, being so miserable, is not why anyone gets into a relationship and loving fully shouldnt have to be rewarded with horrible and selfish behavior! I think unfortunately, sometimes people change, for the worst, their heads get so far up their arses that they become mentally clouded. No one LIKES someone who is selfish, and is always ME ME ME ME ME ME...I also think, that as I like to say we kissed a frog, we got a prince and now he's a frog or even worse a cockroach, and you question why HE became this way... I always seek fault in myself like I must have done something TERRIBLY wrong to deserve this... and if I ever did something that was hurtful, I was always quick to apologize and owe up to my mistakes.
I think you did the best thing by getting away from it all for some time, maybe I need to do that, my family lives in Chicago so maybe I will go, they dont understand this part of my life so I hope they will respect my distance. I am happy he came running to you, like the fool that he is, and realized what he was missing.
I think going into any relationship, current, past, re-occuring, we need to be whole, and mostly happy with who we are (even our horrible smile/jaw), because if we dont love or respect ourselves, why will person X ? Love should NEVER be seen as a weakness, but rather a strength, we are so BEAUTIFUL and STRONG to hold onto love, to believe when its not best and to not give up at the first problem.
Like you, I dont know who or what I am anymore, after 9 years, Im bits and pieces....
I will email you Terra, thank you so much xo
I just found your blog today, and like Terra, I want to give you a hug right now. If you think you need to go to therapy, don't hesitate and dwell on any fears. Just GO. Call and make an appointment. It may be the best thing for you. I know you do care about yourself, because if you didn't, I don't think you would have made this post looking for help and advice.
ReplyDeleteI haven't had a difficult breakup like this, but I can tell you what I tell all my friends who have gone through this: it does get better, just trust that! This breakup does not make you less of a person and you deserve complete happiness. Just know that you have to take charge of your own happiness. You are truly a beautiful person and I know you will get through this.
You asked Terra if her jaw caused her to hate herself or was it internal prior to this jaw process. For me, I've realized by going through this that I haven't been completely satisfied with myself, and that my self-esteem problems may have manifested in my dissatisfaction with my jaw appearance. To be honest, the night that I stared at my profile and realized I wanted to make an appointment with my dentist to see if I needed surgery, I was extremely high. I think back now and wonder why I was getting high and just criticizing myself. I feel like a different person now though. Once I realized that my feeling of not being good enough, according to my own standards, was just an irrational self-defeating attitude, it became easier to love myself-jaw issues and all. This jaw process has made me stronger because it tested something in me that needed to be worked out. I don't regret signing up for jaw surgery one bit! And I can't wait for my neck and jaw to stop hurting me. I only regret not always realizing how beautiful of a person I am, even with an inch overbite!
I don't know if I'm saying the right things for you, but please get help if you need it. If you need someone to talk to, you can also message me.
-Max
Hi Max,
DeleteThank you for your comment, as someone new to my blogging life, thank you for your thoughtful words! I dont think anyone wants to go to therapy, but I know that if I do not, I will probably end up dead in a ditch or going back to self mutilation for relief... I've tried for almost 2 years to walk away, and anytime he does or says something its like a dog on a leash, Im yanked to complete depression or happiness, its PURE INSANITY... I have been so damaged by the neglect in the last 2 years that I need help. My whole life has fallen apart, and I've wanted him as the foundation and I dont think its possible anymore...
I PRAY NO ONE has a break up like this- where your heart is in the other person, where you dream and HOPE that even if things are terrible today you will be happy with them in the future...
Experiences open up our eyes to things we would be unaware of. I just checked out your blog and we're overbite buddies so thats exciting!! I will be following your progress, and hopefully all of us will find that peace we are seeking jaw and otherwise.
Once again, thanks Max and we will be in touch !
I'm glad you're deciding to take that step and enter therapy. Not to sound like a psychology student (which I am), but self-mutilating behaviours are just a really bad way of communicating to others that you are in pain and want help. It would be good to speak with a counsellor or psychologist to learn how to communicate productively. I think a lot of people see a therapist at some point in their lives, including myself;)
DeleteIf you ever need to talk to a stranger, you can email me at ouellet7@uwindsor.ca. Take care!
Consider this your third 'virtual' hug. I agree with Max, if you feel like you want to talk to someone, you really should try therapy. Being able to share your feelings and receive perspective is an amazing thing. I know it helped me in really hard moments this past year. I also went through a break up with my boyfriend who I dated for 12 years. I had never known any other way. I thought my life was over, that I'd be alone for the rest of my life. Talking it out with friends and a therapist gave me perspective. I'm not going to lie and say it made me feel better, BUT it helped me work through feelings, heal and move on. Why do we have so much self hatred? We think WE did something wrong, when most of the time the thing we are doing wrong is not taking care of ourselves. That's one of the revelations that a few of my girlfriends and I have realized. When wondering: "Why didn't he call me back, what did I do? What could I have done differently?" The answer: nothing. It's his issue. One of the most transforming things I've ever done in my life is getting these braces and saying yes to surgery. What is a more literal way of taking care of oneself and transforming? Keep the faith. Know that your blogger friends are all thinking about and supporting you.
ReplyDeleteAmanda 12 years !!!!!!! WOW, almost in the same boat, this guy is basically all I've ever known, and yeah I think therapy will definitely help me see things differently outside of my own two eyes. I think we try to focus on what we could control which is our actions and behavior so we BLAME ourselves, we know that we have no control over what the other person does but we assume our actions do... I dont know if that made sense.
DeleteThank you for opening my mind to a different perspective, maybe I have to accept its not me, its him. Even though that might offer some comfort, you have to guess what made him change, and with all the time and effort I've placed into this, its failed, I think thats the hardest part for me to swallow.
This Jaw Surgery issue is heavy for all of us, emotionally, mentally, the whole process from slamming the braces on to getting surgery and recovery. Its awesome we have each other on here.
Thank you for your support Amanda, it helps.