Jaw love, or not.

Personal post...  

I've been hesitant to write this, but you should never censor how you feel. So I’m learning that its not the smartest idea to fall for someone right before/during actual jaw surgery... 
If you can help it...
Even if they too had surgery themselves. 

Before getting braces on in , I was with someone and I thought he would be my rock throughout this jaw surgery experience. Unfortunately time had other plans for us both, and we parted ways in early 2012. To backlog, I had shut myself completely from dating/meeting people after my nightmare breakup. I sunk into a deep depression as a shell of my former self for many many months. I refused to get help; too proud, too scared, and thinking I got this. While Im much better, I feel part of me died in the process. Maybe I missed out on meeting some great people, and possibly pushed some great ones away... BUT I needed that space to heal and in some ways I have. I’ve seen enough friends run from one disastrous relationship into the arms of the next man that crossed their path, one step forward and fifteen back.

Sometimes things happen when they do, you cant plan them out exactly, and you never know what you’ll end up with. How does this all fit into the picture? Well...I randomly met someone.

I saw something in him that made me feel comfortable enough to open up and talk. We had a fair amount in common,  jaw surgery, heart ache, interests, etc- yet I knew there was a great possibility of getting hurt when getting close to this person. I figured Im taking a chance with jaw surgery, well maybe there is something here as well.

If it only were so simple.

Recovery from surgery is not easy- ALL of us know this. There are days post op that you need a ton of affection and attention, other days that you need complete space and isolation. There are days where you hate your face, days where you cry without reason, and other days that you are brimmed with hope that it’ll be worth it in few months. Lets just say, for those of us recovering we NEED a lot. Maybe need more than what someone can give us or is willing to to reciprocate. Maybe they’ve got enough on their plate. We only KNOW what people tell us, and we all have hidden agendas. Things that matter to us, and things that dont. Things that we reveal and others that we keep behind a cloak of secrecy.  Shakespeare said it best,“Oft expectation fails, and most oft there where most it promises; and oft it hits where hope is coldest, and despair most fits.”

When you’re in this tumble of changes with your face, your identity, your mind- you dont know exactly what will come out at the other end. Do you get close to someone or do you push them away? What if someone liked what you were before?  Would they wait to find out what came out of the other end of the tunnel? What if you struggled with your new identity, would they help you through it or leave you? Questions plagued me.

I would only imagine during times of normalcy when you meet someone new you question their intent. Where is this going, is this someone I want to spend time with, does this person actually care? Is this person into me or wasting my damn time? Do they want something real or are they looking for the next best thing that will come their way?

There is no clear cut answer it seems... till now.

Things have gone south. He’s changed, made his space. Was I just someone to talk to when he had jaw insecurities? Do all people have a change of heart when their braces come off? Did he find someone better? I've tried to connect with this person, and to figure what going on behind the silence and the lack of transparency. I've arrived nowhere.  It hurts because I gave a shit. Its terrible when your heart is in it, but at some point you know when you have to walk away because you deserve better. Its at times like these where I wish I could go back to my state of catatonia.

Guard your heart, and use your mind. 

And she wondered late at night, why do I want a soul, if there is no one I can share it with?


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